Lesson Fourteen: I am nothing more.

I've been struggling, as of late. Where do I belong? Will I forever be a well-loved Cinderella before the bibbity-boppity? Am I anything more than "just a mom"? As I hold my sidekick while I write this, I can say, no. I am nothing more. But it's not a negative. His smile, his happiness, his stories, his imagination, the things we learn together every day. Why would I want more? Going to street markets, stopping for gelato, exploring Italy, sitting at home and blowing bubbles into the sunset. These are all things that I get to enjoy with my sidekick. I'd be lost without him! To see him growing into a smarter, happier, funnier, silly, little boy has been an experience that I can never replace. Memories that will always make me smile. Why would I want to be anywhere else?

For a while, {and I still have days where I struggle} I didn't know how to be anything BUT a mom. It's not something you can just turn off. It isn't just a change of outfit. It was hard to be a wife and to be a friend. My world was consumed by baby, schedules, cleaning, sleeping, and repeat. After that, I had no energy for anyone. I spent my days entertaining this little person to the fullest and at the end of it all, when my husband needed me, I had no more energy to spare. Like I said, it was a struggle. Luckily, I have an amazing husband, who helped me find the balance in our lives. It was hard work to let some things go {LET IT GO! LET IT GO! so sorry...I couldn't resist}. To realize, in order to do it all, I had to not do it all at once.

I've found a good balance, as of today. I can explore and learn with my sidekick during the day, make dinner and spend time with my husband in the evenings without falling asleep at the table. Maybe I've just adjusted to my life of no sleep. Haha! It's still a struggle to get dressed some days and to do my hair. To take a little "me time" when I can get it. I am learning all of my roles in this life and still learning me, as well.

Right now though, I belong here. With my little boy cuddled on my lap, cartoons on in the background, laundry going, dishes waiting, artwork drying. I guess I just needed to put my struggles out into the world to realize what was underneath them. The happiness and the love for where I am in the world.
Funny, once you work through the troubles, they seem so petty. But they took up so much of your thinking, so much of your time. For what? Well, on to tackle bigger things now. Like lunch. That's important.

I am nothing more. And I've never been happier.

Talk to you soon,
Mandy

Lesson Eight: When Mommies Get Sick

You are disoriented. Blackness swims toward you like a school of eels who have just seen something that eels like a lot.

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy text adventure game (1985)

 

     Yep. This momma is sick. Annoying runny nose, irritating scratchy throat, dizzy-inducing fever, and of course a sidekick who doesn't understand these symptoms and just continues on with me slowly following along behind him. Gotta love him.

     Needless to say, this it why this week's writings are a bit late. That and our crappy Italian internet. I don't know what we'll do with ourselves when we are back in the land of 3G/4G or whatever the kids are calling it now. But, I digress.

     I've been such a slacker these past couple of days. Mostly, because I'm trying not to touch anything that anyone else will touch closely after me. Which is hard when you have a toddler who invades your space constantly. My amazing husband, graciously, takes over in the evenings. He'll make dinner, make his own lunch for the next day, and allow me to sit and rest. Yep, gotta love than man.

     I try to keep up with the most essential house chores. Keeping the kid alive, feeding said kid, dishes, laundry (if really needed). Anything past those though...I'm out. I'll catch up next week.

     It's nice to take a break but I feel like I'm just leaving a trail of sickness behind me. I'm not really, since I sanitize rooms as I leave them. Haha! I don't want my boys getting sick. I'm miserable enough. I don't need to get better and then deal with their moaning and over-exaggerations of pain. They don't do "sick" very well. No man does!

 

     As for schooling, we've taken a week off. I'll work this missing week back in towards Christmas when my planning starts to get sparse. Next week is birthday week, so I'm really trying to recover before then so we can have lots of fun. My sidekick will be THREE! I don't know how I feel about this. I guess I better think on that.

     Ok, back to the couch I go. Until next week, friends! Hopefully, I'm not so disoriented and can complete my thoughts again.

Lesson Six: Finding Balance

It takes three things to make it in this business: the tenacity of a bulldog, the hide of a rhinoceros and a good home to come home to.

Quoted in "The Advocate", 2 Feb 1999

 

 

     I've been struggling this week trying to find the balance between mother and wife. There are things people never tell you about motherhood. I'm sure they have their reasons; embarrassment, anxiety, pride, or maybe they've forgotten. That's okay. Some lessons are ours to discover and ours to learn. I'm still learning. The sidekick and I learn new things daily. I'm still learning how to "date my husband". They are my greatest joys in life and my true, reliable sources for happiness.

 

     Sometimes though, it's hard to find the balance between them. Especially in these first years of motherhood. My struggle is to "turn off" being a mother and totally invest some time into my husband. Being a stay-at-home-mom, I am totally invested in the world of my sidekick. He gets all my attention, all day long. He doesn't understand the need for a moment's time between Mommy and Daddy. It's all about the baby, all the time. So, it becomes an internal struggle for me to learn when to set my child's wants/needs aside for a moment and see to my husband's wants/needs.

     One way we solve this, is we invest in a date night. It is usually only once a month because of our busy schedules and other obligations but we make it work. We have the most wonderful Italian neighbors who adore our child. Leaving him with them is like leaving him with family. When he's with them, I can fully focus on my husband. He deserves it more than once a month, for sure. He's an amazing man. So, another thing I do to try and show my love is, I leave him little notes in his lunch or I'll text him during the day just to let him know I'm thinking of him. It may not be much but to let him know he's being thought of, is a pretty good start.

 

     My sidekick takes up a lot of space in my head. I'm constantly trying to think of ways to teach him something new, places to go, things to practice with him, the list goes on. Hence the fullness of my brain. It's hard to let those thoughts go when you're so invested in something. Being his mom is the best job in the world. But again, it's a total investment of energy and time. Even when he's sleeping, I'm still thinking of him and things I can do for him.

     As the sidekick, slowly, becomes more independent it becomes easier to let my husband's needs take up space alongside the rest of the thoughts in my head. I am continuing to learn how to devote time and energy to my husband to ensure that he feels my love and appreciation.

 

     I guess, my main point is, it's okay to struggle. You will find your own balance in your life between mother and wife and the other job positions you hold. I have found comfort in expressing my struggles to my best friend and even to my husband. He's been very understanding and even found ways to help us stay connected as well. Like I said, he's pretty amazing. I will continue to learn to balance the loves in my life and make sure that our home is full of love for everyone. I hope you do too.